Something else to chew on

So I have been less profound of late. Watching Robot Chicken while blogging does little to bring out one's inner Plato. However, an evening at Kairos has sparked my philosophical side.

In the beginning there was the Word, and the word was with God, and the word was God. The direct translation of word is Logos, or meaning. I found this fascinating. The Bible does not start with God, it starts with meaning. This is powerful to me, as Christianity is then founded on the essence of relevance, importance, and substantiality.

This is telling in our present time, when Americans are without nothing but a cause. Depression, suicide, midlife crises, and the pursuit of wealth, power, and fornication all have roots in one thing: a life without purpose. What pursuit is truly worth our time and energy? Ecclesiastes sums up these feelings as Solomon proclaims everything to be worthless. This statement was made during Israel's Golden Age, when Solomon had hundreds of wives and concubines, and endless wealth.

The idea that the pursuit of sex and money is empty is not an entirely profound one. It is not original either (there is nothing new under the sun, another bit of wisdom from Solomon, which he plagiarized). But for the Bible to START with this, is to say that this is the one thing we should know was at the inception of the universe. If we are looking for meaning, we know where to FIND IT! Even Atheists must admit Christianity, and I speak of a brand that is not seen too often in Christians, is a great calling.

I am struggling with meaning, and I have not found it. I am bored, and frustrated, and stir crazy. I want a big change, I want to enter into a new stage. One thing I have found exciting is to think the best parts of my life are yet to be lived. So many things, such as starting a family, falling in love, having sex, and financial stability are yet for me to experience. Wonderful things, God-ordained things, are still in my future.

But another thing was said tonight that caught my attention. Mike Glen made a statement about how finding the will of God was much like swimming with a current. At first, you feel it should not be as easy as it is. But really, misery is not of God, and if you find yourself miserable, there may be something you are missing. Looking back at my own life, the times I was miserable were the times I was doing many unhealthy things. I find myself miserable at times still, which makes me realize I need to change. I need to be proactive in my life, and do more things to help others. I need to volunteer my time, and volunteer my money. I need to serve someone other than myself. And if I do these things, I will dispel that hovering cloud of malcontent. For when I feel lonely, or angry, or helpless, it is because of my own selfishness.

Another American crutch is our lack of enemies. I have nobody who I want to kill, nobody who I would say I hate, nobody who I strongly dislike, and only a few people I would purposefully avoid at a grocery store. But I am my own enemy enough to compensate. I fight myself, and hold myself back. I am crushed under the incredible weight of my own mind.

Perhaps the single most damaging state of mind is to believe people cannot change. And along with this is the assumption that a single person is incapable of changing the world. We all carry in ourselves a master switch. If we can just find a way to flip it, everything will change. You can change, I can change. We can bend the universe together. We can grasp ahold of the Word, sink our teeth into it, and taste passion, cause, and urgency. We can find the one and only thing that is not, as Solomon says, worthless.

The List

In an effort to make my life more interesting, I have come up with a list of possible ventures. This Great Awakening has come around through a combination of two dynamite silver screen smashes, Starship Troopers and 21. The first of these made me lonely, the latter made me lonely. The first of these made me realize how boring my life is, as did the second. But the second made me realize there's something I can DO about it!

THE LIST

1) Begin a SERIOUS blog ("serious" being defined as a specific commitment to a regimented post on a specific topic). The following topics may apply:
a) Web Design Technologies - Comments on libraries and new technologies available on the web
b) Entrepreneur Brainstorming - Random thoughts and get-rich ideas for which I lack the means to ever make successful.
c) On My Mind - Though the demographic for this topic is small and shrinking, for my own peace of mind I may indeed vomit my ideas, as i am currently doing on this blog, but regularly.
d) A Story - This is the most promising of the bundle. I could blog my story. This is even more likely to direct traffic away from my site, but one I would enjoy the most. And I might get a publication in the process!

2) Begin a SERIOUS iPhone app
a) An application allowing the aggregation of many RSS feeds, and updating them all at once via text and/or web access.
b) An application for reading / formatting eBooks.
c) An application funneling all of your private photos directly to ME.

3) Begin a Social Experiment
a) Ask random people out to lunch, regardless of whether it's lunch time.

4) Begin an OpenSource Project
a) Wordpress-type site, which allows installment on a server to create your own personal website (rather than JUST A BLOG). This would include a back end, homepage, customization, and social networking to other similar sites.

5) Create a desktop application
a) Application interfacing with TOPOS to allow desktop updating (while on tour or exhibition, etc).
b) Music Notation Application

The downside to all of these ideas are... none of them really make my life any more adventurous or exciting. And the excitement-level of these are all contingent on their success. With success comes excitement. With failure comes a huge waste of time. Of course there's also the issue that the opposite sex is not in any way the end results of any of these ideas, and most likely the opposite.

So I need a plan. I need a plan to capture me a specimen of the opposite sex, that will also boost the excitement level of my life, and while at the same time possibly attributing to my future financial success. Any ideas? I'll keep searching...

-Ozwald

That Time of Year...

I usually tell myself not to write on nights like these. Depressing words only serve to weigh down a world already full of emotional distress. But what am I to do, when I am alone. This here is my only outlet. I seek solace in the art of language. I hope venting here will let the dispair live in these words rather than in my soul.

I am an extremely disfunctional human being. I am broken to the core. I perpetually sabotage my own chances at happiness. I have no inkling how to make my dreams a reality. I no longer believe my dreams can become reality. I no longer believe in anything I used to feel strongly about. I no longer believe any of my passions will ever give way to fulfillment. I am lost.

There is nothing for me. Not on earth, not in heaven. God has blessed many with the ability to enjoy life. He has ordained some to be leaders, and to be roll models. I have been left behind. I will bear no mark on this world as it leaves me behind, and even worse it will leave no mark on me. This is the saddest of all tragedies.

I wonder if it is possible for me to hope. After all, these wretched posts have come less frequently in the past year. But even then, I feel it is not with a bouyant spirit, but with a numb one. I have avoided most extreme emotions, with the presumption this will protect me from pain. I imagine it has, but I have lost something I have always prided myself in. I have always been a man of great passions. My capacity for emotions is enormous. This should not be something to fear.

There is never anything wrong with being myself. I look at me objectively, and feel I am a good person. I should be less selfish, yes. I should be more trusting of God, yes. I should be more disciplined as far as prayer and reading scripture. But from a social perspective, I do things to the best of my ability. I am a good person. This leads me to believe, if I continue to try and be that good person, good things will come. At least I ended on a positive note, right?

"I look out the window, the birds are composing.
Not a single note is out of tune, or out of place.
I walk through the Meadow, and stare at the flowers
That are dressed better than any girl on her wedding day."

Why I'm not a Musician

Something drove me to thinking about beauty today. Beauty is many things. Anything powerful, as in a streak of lightening or a cheetah in pursuit. Anything taken to the extreme, like the expanse of the grand canyon, or the unreachable stars. Anything outside of our control, like the paths of insects, or the orbit of planets. Anything that astounds us, like the surprise ending to a novel, or strong moral character. If we ever can contain something, it ceases to be beautiful.

This generation has been saturated by music. We are the sound squabblers. Any artist, album or song that comes down the pipe is all too familiar. And in this, the enchantment has been broken. Who is today's virtuoso? What conductor can ensnare with the notes he composes; who can lure you in with unexpected phrases and ingenious passages that rise and fall in perfect correlation?

In time, we all will fail in this. Our greatest creative achievements will become tame. Our magnum opus will sit upon a shelf forgotten. True art, and true beauty, has no definition but this: it is not commonplace.

Then how is it the most beautiful art of all is that found where others might miss it? Subtle beauty, like a bug on a leaf or a shape in the clouds. A line in a song you've heard too many times that suddenly sparks a new meaning. "I can't do it. I've tried my best. You can do it". Something so simple but elegant even so.

Maybe the best we can do is point at God's beauty. Sure, we could compose symphonies, pull together great operas, and sing of the glory of nature. This is nothing but a golden calf, and meets our needs more than any others. Rather than compose, maybe I just need to listen.

A New Kind of Medicine

Suicide is a horrifying phenomena. The ability for pain and sadness to so cripple a person that they are driven to end all they know of existence, to obliterate everything, to slaughter every day you would have lived in the future, and all that you would have done. And depression, the vehicle suicide rides on, is equally frightening. How do you stop an epidemic that only grows with the addition of luxury and wealth?

The statistics:
Depression grows by 25% a year.
10% of Americans 18 and up are effected by depression.
Some studies show antidepressants positively effecting less than a third of subjects.

It seems to me depression is a matter of control. Our instinct tells us to fight and survive. The problem is, the modern society we live in has removed this need entirely. We flounder hopelessly in a world in which our own survival is not in our control. It is mandatory. So we exercise our authority the only place we can, over the very lungs in our bodies.

Suicide is a matter of power. We all want power, but so much of the time we are powerless. Powerless to fulfill our cravings for Love, for passion and pleasure, for social acceptance. We find ourselves day in and day out living a life shown to us on glowing screens. And what is worse is we realize it. We are painfully aware of exactly how monotonous, how empty our own lives are because we have so much time on our hands that should be spent surviving !!

This is why antidepressants fail so often. They provide another means of dependence. They are one more area out of the user's control. One cannot control their own chemical imbalances, or chemical dependencies. I don't admonish the drug, I only acknowledge its failures. What we need is a way to give purpose to the depressed. Yes it is a matter of biological needs, but more so the battle is fought in the psyche.

Maybe all depressed people should be dropped in a forest somewhere and forced to survive. Or thrown out on their own with no financial support. Maybe they should be given a quest and an objective, with no help but the help they find on their own. This would cure their depression. This would give them something to live for!