That Time of Year...

I usually tell myself not to write on nights like these. Depressing words only serve to weigh down a world already full of emotional distress. But what am I to do, when I am alone. This here is my only outlet. I seek solace in the art of language. I hope venting here will let the dispair live in these words rather than in my soul.

I am an extremely disfunctional human being. I am broken to the core. I perpetually sabotage my own chances at happiness. I have no inkling how to make my dreams a reality. I no longer believe my dreams can become reality. I no longer believe in anything I used to feel strongly about. I no longer believe any of my passions will ever give way to fulfillment. I am lost.

There is nothing for me. Not on earth, not in heaven. God has blessed many with the ability to enjoy life. He has ordained some to be leaders, and to be roll models. I have been left behind. I will bear no mark on this world as it leaves me behind, and even worse it will leave no mark on me. This is the saddest of all tragedies.

I wonder if it is possible for me to hope. After all, these wretched posts have come less frequently in the past year. But even then, I feel it is not with a bouyant spirit, but with a numb one. I have avoided most extreme emotions, with the presumption this will protect me from pain. I imagine it has, but I have lost something I have always prided myself in. I have always been a man of great passions. My capacity for emotions is enormous. This should not be something to fear.

There is never anything wrong with being myself. I look at me objectively, and feel I am a good person. I should be less selfish, yes. I should be more trusting of God, yes. I should be more disciplined as far as prayer and reading scripture. But from a social perspective, I do things to the best of my ability. I am a good person. This leads me to believe, if I continue to try and be that good person, good things will come. At least I ended on a positive note, right?

"I look out the window, the birds are composing.
Not a single note is out of tune, or out of place.
I walk through the Meadow, and stare at the flowers
That are dressed better than any girl on her wedding day."